Thursday, April 28, 2005 

More and more exams

As the days get closer and closer to the final exams, I'm feeling more and more restless. I go through the paces unquestioningly, wondering what my future holds. I believe I'll be able to pass the tests, if not on the first sitting, then on the second. I have no worries there.

I think I've always been co-dependent. Defining my existence through my partner. Since I've no partner now, I'm restless. I also feel guilty since it seems like my ex would like to get back together again. It's complicated. I love her and yet I dont trust her.
When you find talking to the person dull and have nothing to say, is there a relationship there? Or can there be one? Probably not, It doesnt help much when she too doesnt reply much. When we meet physically, it's all well, and we talk about things, and do things together, when we meet online, i just feel like closing the window since the conversation doesnt move at all. Shouldn't we greet each other once we see the other is online?
Yes I'm petty in the sense that I feel as if I'm the only one who has been doing it. Sometimes I pray to God to let me meet someone so that I can just forget about her and move on. I've yet to meet someone who piques my interest as she once had. The allure of what could be/had been still ties me to her.
Let me just finish my course, explore the world, do everything that I want in life...have a good wife. thats all I ask.

Friday, April 15, 2005 


It's been awhile since Ive written anything. When I was young, I was taught in school that a personal journal is a good thing. It keeps track of your life. When you look back, you can see how you've grown, how you've matured and progressed with your life. Most important of all, you can see the mistakes that you've made, and understand it better when you are not so emotionally attached to the moment. I was reading someone's blog the other day, kept at it for a a few years, I can see the style was progressing, the way the mind was maturing. I don't have any personal journal that goes back for more than a year. I have a copy of my old site, a journal that Ive written when I was in Sarawak, and thoughts that I put down on notepad once in awhile, ideas, events, or even contacts of people that I meet. Snippets of my life here and there.